It has taken me some time to write about my research journey. I’ve hinted here and there, but never committed to sharing openly. This is because the journey goes beyond being a study commitment, goal or achievement. It is about purpose and preparation, and as I now understand, when one discovers purpose, they uncover what, and who they have been designed to serve and develop through work, business, community service and/or mentorship.

The journey has also come with internal battles about self, embracing who I am, unlearning a flawed narrative about what it means to be a woman, and learning more about how I have been wired. So, my hesitation to write about this bit has had much to do with knowing that it means opening up and having to share from a place of vulnerability.

While openness and vulnerability are things I advocate for, love and admire in people, I find it difficult to practice both in such an open space. However, I also know what it’s like to grapple with purpose related questions and make sense of what I know now to be divine encounters and ‘disruptions. So, in this post and in a series of other upcoming posts, I’ll finally be sharing some parts about my PhD journey.

How it all began…

Some years ago, I made two decisions to keep myself accountable about certain things. The first decision was to keep a journal and the second was to ensure at the end of each year I take time to reflect, note what has worked for me, consider my progress towards goals I set at the beginning and reconsider what needs to be adjusted. As part of this process, I decided to re-read all my journal posts. These are often about my dreams, prophetic words received, ideas, prayers and advice from mentors about different dimensions of my life.

I recently stumbled on an entry from early 2016. In this particular piece I had written down that I had suddenly developed a strong urge to return to school. I made mention of the urge to one other person, and they suggested that perhaps it was God who was prompting me. I did not dismiss this because I could not explain the illogical nature of this urge – illogical because it contradicted my 5-year plans. So, I shelved the thought in the hopes of revisiting this after returning. I had no intention of disrupting a long-awaited trip.

Fast forward to a couple of months later, I bumped into a friend. In exchanging pleasantries, she asked if I had started my uni course already. I was perplexed because it was not a conversation we had ever had. Before I could ask her, what prompted this question or respond, we were interrupted, and she had to attend to another urgent matter. I did have some goosebumps as I tried to piece what had just happened and make sense of her question. I did journal about this encounter, however, my commitment to my trip meant that this time around I did not shelve the idea but started doing some research into courses of interest.

I have a great interest in international development and a desire to contribute to Africa and Australia’s development. So, pursuing a Masters in Development Studies course made sense. I was content with kicking off in February or March the following year, and I would balance this as a part time course with a full-time job.  I thought it was sorted and a straightforward matter until one Friday night church service when I was reminded about a prophecy, I had received close to 4 years prior regarding my vocation. On this night however, I realised I had not fully understood, or prayed about what it all meant. It was on this night that I was asked when I would commence my PhD – cue in lightbulb moment fused with shock!

Without pausing to think I said I would start the following year. I had made a commitment – in the presence of my mum and many more accountability partners that I would start.  I was quite dumbfounded when I sat in the car and drove back home after church. For starters, when I rehashed the prophecy I initially got, at the time I had assumed it was in relation to me pursuing a Masters course – which I had then gone on to actually do in 2013. So, in my mind – I had done the thing that I had prayed about, and God had given me guidance on. I had been wrong.

The choices I wish I had made…

Pursuing a PhD was an idea I had flirted with early on in life, but never seriously considered. I reasoned with myself that if I was to ever venture down this path, it was going to be closer to my retirement age, when I was well established in whatever career path I chose. It was to be something of a hobby – ‘a nice to have’ accolade to cement the depth of expertise and exposure I had gained. A prestigious topping to what I hoped to be a stellar career. To illustrate just how unplanned this PhD was on my part I’ll share with you a series of misinformed choices I made earlier on in life.

For my undergraduate studies I started out in a double degree – Bachelor of Economics and Bachelor of Arts course – I call this my classic case of ill-informed decision making. I thought this would take me into the business field and into high earning roles. My motivation was money and I assumed that having breezed through economics in years 11 and 12, continuing into uni would be a smooth transition. The lies I told myself!

I did not realise that to complete an economics degree meant I had to take compulsory courses in accounting and statistics in my first and second years – two subjects I’d done my best to avoid. Let’s just say year 1 and year 2 of undergrad study were the perfect reality baptism I needed. Couple that with two failed units that brought me to tears. This was the point at which I re-evaluated my motivations, and came to the conclusion that I had to switch courses and instead, harness what I had begun to discover as my strengths in essay writing and more theoretical subjects.

At the end of my course, we were invited to consider doing an honours year or masters by research. By then, I had no interest and just wanted to graduate. Wisdom would beckon one to at least attend the information session, but I chose not to. Research was not something I could foresee for the future, neither was it something I had interest in. This decision complicated my PhD application process later on.  

Applying for the program…

Now, returning to the PhD story. When I committed to starting the course, I was as clueless as they come about PhDs, the application process, the requirements and qualifications. I felt unqualified, and to be honest, battled with the idea of not being mentally sharp enough to pursue something like this at this stage of my life. Frankly, I had good, great and grand plans. My feelings of inadequacy and fears meant I spent a chunk of my time seeking instead to get into yet another masters program. However, this time it would be a masters by research course that would qualify me for entry into a PhD program.

In a conversation with someone I hold in high regard, Prophet Richard, he asked why I was hesitant and encouraged me to take a leap of faith. At this point all I had was some experience in research and exposure to public policy through work. I abandoned the idea of doing another masters to qualify for a PhD spot, and went straight to the PhD path. I drafted a proposal which was of interest to a prospective supervisor.

Unfortunately, my interest, though connected to their work, was not their field of expertise. However, they connected me to another expert who then agreed to take me on. After some updates to the proposal, I submitted the application, and to my surprise, it was accepted. The time between that initial urge to return to uni and the impressions I got to the date when my offer came through was close to 10months. Process. Patience. And Redirections which I previously shared about in a blog post about Purpose, Passion and Closed doors.

Closing thoughts

To wrap up I’ll leave you with two reflections I revisit in relation to this portion of the journey.

Understanding one’s purpose in life always seems complicated but I have come to realise we overthink things and we are not attentive to self and surroundings. For the religious, it extends to our approach to God. For me, the genesis of this story began in 2012 when I got answers during a church service. These answers were in response to questions I had often asked God in my quiet and private time. Then, in 2016 when I had determined to do other things the urge to return to uni hit me in a way I could not deny. Everything else after that I’ve already stated. 

For the spiritual/religious, many times we wonder whether God speaks and moves, and whether the choices we make concerning our qualifications and careers would be something that matters to Him. I believe it does, but the onus is on us to be observant, attentive, patient, willing to listen and open to divine disruptions and redirection. When God does speak or beckon, often it is in gentle subtle nudges, through conversations that happen outside our devotion or prayer times and often through unexpected people.

Another thing I realised stems from my undergrad study choice troubles. Being open minded, less dismissive and willing to hear people out can save us time in the future. There would have been no harm in me learning about the benefits of an honours or research masters program. Instead, I passed up on the opportunity and created more work for myself when the time to consider studying again came.

For now, I will pause here as I will be unpacking more about this journey in future posts.  I’m curious to know though, what divine disruptions have you battled with and what lessons did you learn from the process? Better yet, what lessons are you still learning?

Until next post, and yes I’m on Insta and Facebook @eugeniafadzai😊